By Karl Welzein
Meet Karl Welzein, aka Captain Karl, aka @DadBoner on Twitter—the Midwest's most pretty loser
Karl Welzein is basically lookin' ahead to the weekend, you guys.
His task is a drag and his spouse kicked him out, yet that is ok. She wears granny panties and is continually losing wads of money at objective, and his son cries for all time. Now his "temporary" roommate, Dave, ate all of the Totino's pizza rolls. back. Karl Welzein is unwell of this. So in poor health of this.
Power Moves chronicles the hilarious decline of Karl Welzein on his trip from lifestyles as a Dockers-and-golfshirt-wearing dad to a ponytailed social gathering maniac who spits out his lifestyles philosophies like a modern day Charles Bukowski (if he most popular to get inebriated at Applebee's).
A middle-aged Michigan local, Karl can be obese, at risk of questionable type and culinary offerings, oblivious to his consuming challenge, a negative excuse for an worker, keen about the restroom, and a bad husband, father, and good friend . . . yet in his center he capacity good. he is similar to loads of us—he loves the us, man Fieri, daring flavors, Bob Seger, and pondering he seems to be jacked in a decent tee and Maui Jim sun shades. Karl is an everyman and prefer no different guy in the world all at once.
Inspired by means of the Twitter feed @DadBoner, Karl eventually tells his complete tale. He stocks his knowledge on health (1. examine a pic of Stone chilly Steve Austin. 2. Do 'shups 'til you appear to be Stone chilly. three. bring to a halt your sleeves), vitamin (Eat in simple terms the filling of the Taco Bell Beefy Melts for max style and low-carb health), type (Wearin' boots with jean shorts says "I wish to preserve cool, yet i am prepared if the motion will get hot"), paintings lifestyles (If you do not have a role that makes you must kill your self, you do not need to drink till you must die), and the bliss of the ideal weekend (beers, brats, and babes' chest beefers).
But notably, this can be a tale approximately America—the actual pink, white, and blue the US of this day. Welcome to Karl's international. examining this e-book is the final word strength Move.
Read Online or Download Power Moves: Livin’ the American Dream, USA Style PDF
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Extra info for Power Moves: Livin’ the American Dream, USA Style
We ripped via extra of these 20-packs and grilled up a few manhattan strips. Yeah, genuine punishment, Ann. whilst I got here again this mornin’, Ann requested if I discovered my lesson. I wear my top puppy-dog eyes and acknowledged, “Yes. ” may inform she felt rather undesirable. Ann proposal i used to be gonna cry, yet i used to be simply hung-over. She’s this sort of sucker. the one lesson I realized is that Vortex Miller Lites move down SO gentle. Why do I basically have an excellent weekend whilst I’m kicked out of the home? quite makes you think that. Time for a few soul-searching. MONDAY, JUNE 7, 2010 Monday. nice. Ann’s makin’ us a salad and baked skinless poultry breast for dinner. nice. My son wishes aid with a few over-the-summer university venture. nice. We’re out of beer. nice. Ann acknowledged we’re beginning “no television Mondays. ” nice. I by no means received that gun to shoot myself. nice. We’re presupposed to opt for a “family stroll” when we consume. nice. simply nice! nice! nice! WEDNESDAY, JUNE nine, 2010 Hump Day fever! Bruh nuh nuuhhh! Hump Day fever! Bruh, nuh, nuh, nuuuuhhhhh!!! Headin’ to BW3’s for “Wing Wednesday. ” I simply made that up! THURSDAY, JUNE 10, 2010 Wing Wednesday was once a catastrophe. I ate method an excessive amount of and needed to move domestic ailing. Took this present day off. simply gettin’ up and round. Tryin’ to sip Pedialyte. each time Ann seems to be at me, she simply shakes her head. I’m ill! It’s now not my fault it’s popping out either ends. simply heard Ann say to the children, “That’s why he’s basically allowed to take advantage of the spare rest room. ” Now they’re guffawing. fairly hurts, ya recognize? i attempted to provide an explanation for how I took down virtually 3 DOZEN wings. Ann stated, “Am I speculated to be impressed?! Wow, genuine macho guy! simply move sit down in your potty. ” She doesn’t get it. I’m certain there’s plenty of ladies who’d be into that. I’m gonna pass lie down. Feelin’ kinda spinny back. SUNDAY, JUNE thirteen, 2010 On Friday, i used to be nonetheless a bit dehydrated and that i didn’t think so sizzling so I took the time off back. Ann went to focus on and that i received bored so I drank a sixer. while she got here domestic, i used to be hunched over the bathtub with my pants down. Ann walked in and stated, “Oh, you piece of shit! ” Then simply left. Didn’t come domestic ’til past due. whilst I requested her the place she went, she acknowledged, “I used to be at close UP, Karl! ” Then Ann locked herself within the bed room. On Saturday, Ann bought up early and left back. She left a be aware that simply acknowledged, “Watch the children. ” I dropped them off at Iron guy 2 and went to Paddy’s to sit back. acquired kinda stuck up talkin’ with Carly the bartender approximately how issues are at domestic, so i used to be a bit overdue pickin’ them up. They referred to as Ann’s cellphone for a experience. She freaked out and referred to as me. I stated i used to be at Paddy’s and used to be comin’ to get them straight away, which was once real! She acknowledged, “Don’t hassle, Karl. have a good time. ” Now Ann’s doing this pretend great voice and makin’ that loopy pretend smile face. i think lonely and unhappy. I test my most sensible. My weekend is ruined. by no means proposal I’d want i used to be at paintings. MONDAY, JUNE 14, 2010 My back’s particularly hurtin’ this day from sleepin’ at the sofa. Kinda was hoping Ann may cool off and forestall bein’ one of these giant bag o’ complain, but if I bought domestic, there has been a notice that acknowledged her and the youngsters have been “at Applebee’s,” like I can be jealous.